Back in the saddle?

I ran with a fellow St. George trainee  this morning.  We took a new loop (new for me), which was fun.  Average pace was 10:05.  I'm still struggling with pace, and I'm not sure why.

Actually, the big news is that our house was burglarized yesterday...in broad daylight, while we were at church.  We had all of our doors locked, but they came in through the doggie door.  We don't even have a dog, so they must have been watching us.  They stole a lot of stuff, but fortunately didn't damage anything.  I  hardly slept last night.  I took today off work to get some stuff done.  They stole my husband's house keys, so we are changing all of the locks today and putting locks on our gates.  We are  also getting an alarm system.  We live in a very quiet neighborhood, so this is surprising.  They took our big-screen TV, computer, iPods, digital camera (all photos from the last two years: gone!), my husband's Garmin (but not mine), and some other stuff.

I got home first and discovered everything but didn't know if they were still in the house.  It was terrifying.  We feel so violated, and I'm scared to be in the house alone, but I'm scared for both of us to leave.  I knew if I didn't make plans to meet up this morning that I would have skipped my run, so I'm glad I did.  We are without Internet at home, so I will still blog, but comments will probably be somewhat limited since I'll be blogging from work.

Be careful, and lock your doors!!

OK.  I need to figure some things out.  I couldn't sleep again last night.  Every sight and sound freaks me out, and every time I close my eyes I envision those horrible people in my house again.  So, with no sleep last night, I skipped the run this morning in favor of bed.

I got up and got ready for work very slowly, because I was reluctant to leave the house.  As I got into my car, I started to feel some anxiety, and it continued to escalate as I drove farther from my house.  People, I had a full-blown anxiety attack, and I have no idea how I made it to the office safely.  I snuck through the lobby with my sunglasses on, rode up the elevator, and went straight to the restroom. 

Thankfully, my amazing secretary was in there and helped to calm me down (turns out that Lamaze classes are helpful for more reasons than childbirth, and I now have a headstart on childbirth techniques!).  I couldn't breathe, I got very dizzy and lightheaded, and my arms were tingling.  That had never happened before.  So, I called my sister, and she came to my office to get me.

I feel like I should be stronger than this.  Nobody was hurt, and it's only stuff.  I can't imagine how I would react if I or someone I loved ever got hurt or further victimized.  It has gotten in the way of me doing my job for the last two days, and I feel like I'm letting people down.  Thankfully, I work for amazing people who are very understanding (and who have been burglarized too).  One of the partners said he was surprised that I showed up at all today.  My sister just left, and I'm getting scared again, but I feel more in control of myself than I did this morning.

I am so sore (again!).  I thought it was from the run yesterday, but now I realize it's from the tension I have been holding and this stupid panic attack.

OK, this rant has been therapeutic.  I need to get my marathon training back on track.  If I wasn't so scared to leave the house, it would be a great way to take my mind off everything!  Thanks to everyone who left supportive comments yesterday (if you're still reading!).  My goal is to go to work all day tomorrow.  One step at a time...

Why I couldn't get out the door today, I don't know.  I feel much better though.  The alarm system guy came last night, and we bought a (pricey!) system that will be installed next week.  And, last night, I slept like a baby!  Finally!

I have learned a lot about myself during this burglary ordeal.  I have always been a drama queen and feel life's highs and lows very strongly.  It can be an asset and a liability.  In this case, it was a liability.  It is the same way with my running.  If a race goes well, I am on cloud nine and very motivated.  If a race goes badly, I get down in the dumps and don't run at all for a while, as my blog has shown over the last few months.

Because this situation was relatively minor (we weren't hurt, nothing was damaged, and it's only stuff, except the pictures), I think I expected to be stronger than I was.  I was on autopilot on Monday, doing things I had to do with the insurance company, etc.  When that frenzy ended and it was time to go back to my normal routine yesterday (and I had time to reflect), I completely freaked out.  In the process, I became very angry with myself for not being stronger (I have also always been very hard on myself) and not  being able to do my job for another day.  Luckily, I have great, understanding bosses.  I allowed myself yesterday to freak out, be angry and scared, etc., which I know will not go away overnight.  On the bright side, I got to spend several uninterrupted hours with my sister.  She is the best!

Enough ranting.  The moral?  I'm not quite sure-get an alarm system, definitely!  Also learn to accept yourself and your imperfections.  Know your limitations.  And, it's important to surround yourself with supportive people who, at the same time, will not let you have a pity party.  My mom said in a sermon once, "Having a pity party is like crying on the devil's shoulder." 

It's funny how a running blog can morph into something completely different...

It felt so good to get back out again, for the most part.  I still have unexplained bouts of anxiety.  My breathing got a little restricted when I was alone on the trail, which is ironic because the trail is right next to a major street!

Total time was 59:26, average 9:55 (I think-Garmin is at home).  Mile 1 was 10:10, and miles 2-4 were about 10:00 even.  Slower than I'd like, but very even splits, so that is good.  I was able to pick up the last two miles to 9:51 and 9:22.

I am still obviously much slower than I want to be.  I am kicking myself now for sitting on my butt for 2 months.  If I hadn't done that, I would probably be close to 9:00 pace for my easy runs.  Oh well, lesson learned.  Won't do that again!

I have been racking my brain about my computer, and I have concluded that there were no memorized passwords on my computer, so I don't think my identity will be stolen.  However, the exception is...fastrunningblog!  If there are any weird entries, it's the burglars-ha!  We'll catch 'em!

I almost didn't get up today, but I'm glad I did.  We had a late night last night.  I did 5 or so pickups to eventual marathon race pace.  I found that my normal pace increased between the pickups too.  Total time was 58:21, 9:43 average.

It was kind of hard, but I feel OK.  I hope my legs forgive me for my long run tomorrow.

It is getting HOT!  The first 3-4 miles were fine, and then we slowed down.  I felt sluggish, and I think it was from the heat.  It was 74 degrees when we started and it's 88 now (I finished about an hour ago).  Total time was 1:49:18, average pace of 9:56.  We were sub-10:00 pace for a while, but slowed down to 10:00 and sometimes slower when it started getting hot.  The last mile was 9:15, though.

I ran with my normal group, but there were only four of us today.  Two others are also training for St. George and want to BQ (3:45 for them).  I figure if I train for 3:45, I'm going to go for BQ(3:40), but I'm just not there yet.  So I haven't decided what my goal will be.  I think I'll just try to PR (sub-3:54) and go for BQ in a winter marathon.  Right now I'm on track for a 4:00 marathon, but I know I'll get faster.  We shall see...

I saw my husband out there, which is always fun.  He runs with a different group in Scottsdale.  It's a great group, but a 25-minute drive to get there, and they don't start until 6:30.